These days life seems to be a little more complex than just yes or no, right or wrong. I am taking an Ethics class, so my mind is constantly working around what is moral, how can we justify our definition of which moral choices are right and how can I, in particular, strive to be more accepting of differing moral compasses.
I have analysed this idea of morality, of my perception of right and wrong, as not only being subjective to the person that I am (a combination of social constructs, self cultivated ideals, heritage, history..) but being subjective to the person I would like to become. What I might see as the best possible choice, the choice that would benefit me most in the long run. Yes, I acknowledge a sense of egoism, where self-interest (NOT selfishness) is my ultimate goal. And then it must be said that my self-interest decisions usually demand the benefit of others, for my own piece of mind. Is it then fair to only conclude one ethical theory, where either we are all connected by a standard moral code or they differ from culture to nation? Perhaps all these theories can be applied and in degree depending on the individual and the specific circumstance. I reject the idea that it need be either one or the other, that right and wrong are the only choices we can make. What is right for me is not necessarily right for you, for mankind, for peace, for eternal salvation, or for the person I would like to become. It is my belief that when we are faced with a situation, whether the consequences affect only me or a thousand innocent people, we will make the best possible choice, a choice that will be exclusive to that time and that frame of mind.
A journey is only endless when we have failed to take notice.
WHERE IS THE FUNK
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Ehh...
Honestly, I'm in the worst mood. I guess it's childish of me to want people to know that, but is it a crime for me to want a little attention? Since after all, I'm always the one asking how your day was or how you are doing. No one ever asks me that if I don't ask first. From now on, I'm not asking first anymore. Fuck it. I'm tired I guess. I don't know. Fuck. I wish I could join a spelling bee and win right now. I need some sort of validation that I'm good enough. God damn, I'm a cry baby. Straight up.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Take care of your palms!
Having a badly bruised palm this week has taught me the importance of the inside of my hand. I've compiled a list of things that I took for granted before but now wish I could do without pain or restraint.
1. Open door knobs
2. High Five someone
3. Reach in and take something out of my pocket
4. Wipe yourself in the restroom!
Ok, so it's not a lot but these are things I do every single day and I've never realized how much I need my palms! I will add more as I experience them.
1. Open door knobs
2. High Five someone
3. Reach in and take something out of my pocket
4. Wipe yourself in the restroom!
Ok, so it's not a lot but these are things I do every single day and I've never realized how much I need my palms! I will add more as I experience them.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Beware of Loki
Loki is a woman in white, condemned. Sacrificed her children to save them from hell. All children go to heaven but for Loki, she went straight to hell for what she'd done.
Can you blame a mother with a heart true enough to see the life set before her offspring and prevent it? The pain of knowing what he'd do to them was too much.
She travels around looking for you. She'll find you. Be anything you want. If you're looking for a mother, lover or friend...she will find you. Changing, changing, she's always changing. Expectations are what she's there to meet. If you're pure you will only see a flash of what you miss in life. If your intentions are set in spite or hate...distrust of your fellow man...she will be all you've ever wanted. She will break you down.
Submissive and calm, following orders. She'll comfort you until you feel safe and then start taking. First she'll take every memory you had without her. Your life without misery in it won't exist. She will make you feel pain. All the agony you thought you had, you will beg for relief because you will know what trouble is when she finally leaves you, gasping for a breath of calm.
Controlling and assertive, she'll take your problems away and make you feel like she bears the weight of the world. One day, she will throw it on you to show you what she's carried around and how lazy you really are.
Happiness isn't fleeting. It's not a long off dream. It's the reflection in the mirror that smiles at you every morning and says hello. It's the laugh from a friend that you remember from years before even though the relationship has passed.
Loki will teach you. She will show you how. She will give you what you want. When you say something can't be, she will show you that it never will be. If you want something, she will give it to you as long as you're deserving.
How you might wonder....do you know that you are deserving of Loki's love?
Well....if you have to ask....you already know.
I'd sleep with one eye open....
Can you blame a mother with a heart true enough to see the life set before her offspring and prevent it? The pain of knowing what he'd do to them was too much.
She travels around looking for you. She'll find you. Be anything you want. If you're looking for a mother, lover or friend...she will find you. Changing, changing, she's always changing. Expectations are what she's there to meet. If you're pure you will only see a flash of what you miss in life. If your intentions are set in spite or hate...distrust of your fellow man...she will be all you've ever wanted. She will break you down.
Submissive and calm, following orders. She'll comfort you until you feel safe and then start taking. First she'll take every memory you had without her. Your life without misery in it won't exist. She will make you feel pain. All the agony you thought you had, you will beg for relief because you will know what trouble is when she finally leaves you, gasping for a breath of calm.
Controlling and assertive, she'll take your problems away and make you feel like she bears the weight of the world. One day, she will throw it on you to show you what she's carried around and how lazy you really are.
Happiness isn't fleeting. It's not a long off dream. It's the reflection in the mirror that smiles at you every morning and says hello. It's the laugh from a friend that you remember from years before even though the relationship has passed.
Loki will teach you. She will show you how. She will give you what you want. When you say something can't be, she will show you that it never will be. If you want something, she will give it to you as long as you're deserving.
How you might wonder....do you know that you are deserving of Loki's love?
Well....if you have to ask....you already know.
I'd sleep with one eye open....
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I am There
I will meet you there, we will rendezvous,
not as much for cause as mutual escape.
Could you be concerned with tales of those I left,
to muse the birth of my display?
Don't touch me there, I cannot bear it,
such unmistakable indifference to what confines me.
Your eyes are hidden by the shutting of my own
and yet I know too well what I will find there.
Just hold me for now, we'll immerse ourselves
in the comfort of warmth and reside in such flair.
When the lights are dimmed to accomodate my faults,
the reason for existence ceases to find roots
in the moments signifying content. I cannot express the enormity
of lifelong renewal, how could you be expected to know
the depth of what irks me when I have lost
all sense of a changed proposal, muted by the very structure
I claim to dismiss. It was never good to dabble in pleasure
tainted by remorse, for what lies in wait of pleasure
should require some self-deserving entity of which I could not assist.
Remember me only as I longed to be in the clutches
of my unforgiving mind. I am only wise enough to recognise that
Change has discounted its foothold. I am there.
not as much for cause as mutual escape.
Could you be concerned with tales of those I left,
to muse the birth of my display?
Don't touch me there, I cannot bear it,
such unmistakable indifference to what confines me.
Your eyes are hidden by the shutting of my own
and yet I know too well what I will find there.
Just hold me for now, we'll immerse ourselves
in the comfort of warmth and reside in such flair.
When the lights are dimmed to accomodate my faults,
the reason for existence ceases to find roots
in the moments signifying content. I cannot express the enormity
of lifelong renewal, how could you be expected to know
the depth of what irks me when I have lost
all sense of a changed proposal, muted by the very structure
I claim to dismiss. It was never good to dabble in pleasure
tainted by remorse, for what lies in wait of pleasure
should require some self-deserving entity of which I could not assist.
Remember me only as I longed to be in the clutches
of my unforgiving mind. I am only wise enough to recognise that
Change has discounted its foothold. I am there.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
.....
I'm kind of pissed at the thought of this
Why did you bother with me?
Was it all for attention, or did i forget to mention
How obvious it all seems to me
That I was your game
You played just the same
As the rest that have all come before you
So I thought I should say
And maybe make your day
That I'm on to you
And you've only been
Fooling yourself.
Why did you bother with me?
Was it all for attention, or did i forget to mention
How obvious it all seems to me
That I was your game
You played just the same
As the rest that have all come before you
So I thought I should say
And maybe make your day
That I'm on to you
And you've only been
Fooling yourself.
The Things You said
You said to me in a memory why do I bother with you?
I said cause I love you and there's no one above you
Why would you cast me away?
You said to me there are plenty of fish in the sea
But why would I bother when your love is an ocean
Rolling and suffocating me.
So you went away and here I stayed
Hoping you'd come back to me
But you left me alone like an old broken home
For me there's no other
Not blood, breath or brother
Who will ever take your place
I will hold on to you in a memory or two
And think of you fondly sometimes
While drifting asleep, not awake but not deep
Because when you don't love me back
It goes under attack
And longing is what's taken it's place.
I said cause I love you and there's no one above you
Why would you cast me away?
You said to me there are plenty of fish in the sea
But why would I bother when your love is an ocean
Rolling and suffocating me.
So you went away and here I stayed
Hoping you'd come back to me
But you left me alone like an old broken home
For me there's no other
Not blood, breath or brother
Who will ever take your place
I will hold on to you in a memory or two
And think of you fondly sometimes
While drifting asleep, not awake but not deep
Because when you don't love me back
It goes under attack
And longing is what's taken it's place.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Shape of Things to Come
Its easy to forget things when you’re not bound by schedules, time, places to be.
I am a solid figure with fast growing hair, and aching breaking bones. I assume any situation thrown my way. Teas with milk and honey, coffee with liquor, people with smiles – all of this I welcome into my life.
A woman downtown was charging a dollar to take a chance at winning 50. In order to win, you had to lift a bottle of beer with a fishing rod and make it stand on a tilted platform. It looked easy enough, and people lined up with their dollar bills in hand. “Karma and a dolla! Thas all you need!” The woman yelled to passersby. “Karma and a dolla to win! If you don’t have karma but you have a dolla, well thas my good luck!”
A bottle of rum surprised me with a swift kick in the face last night. “What the fuck are you doing?” it asked me, and I responded with a shrug and a shut the hell up. I fear I’m going to say it eventually though because it’s been hard. It’s been hard for me to think about anything but her these days. I distract myself with colors and shapes now. No longer is the phenomenon an accidental occurrence. I either picture the people around me as shapes and colors or I picture her.
Here is a snippet of my conversation with the shapes earlier that I quite enjoyed:
“Don’t you ever wonder how a full-grown baby can survive in the womb?”
“Its gotta be livin in an alternate dimension. For sure.”
“And when they’re ready they just… fall down from the sky and are once again in the womb.”
“Yeah, the way the discovery of gravity fell from a tree, babies fall from the branches of trees and are born. So in essence, babies are born into gravity upon birth!”
Other experiences we felt needed to be discussed were the common belief that people look like certain countries, specifically Cuba, in addition to how painfully delicious Doritos are (you see, when you bite into them, thousands of tiny shards explode in your mouth).
I am a solid figure with fast growing hair, and aching breaking bones. I assume any situation thrown my way. Teas with milk and honey, coffee with liquor, people with smiles – all of this I welcome into my life.
A woman downtown was charging a dollar to take a chance at winning 50. In order to win, you had to lift a bottle of beer with a fishing rod and make it stand on a tilted platform. It looked easy enough, and people lined up with their dollar bills in hand. “Karma and a dolla! Thas all you need!” The woman yelled to passersby. “Karma and a dolla to win! If you don’t have karma but you have a dolla, well thas my good luck!”
A bottle of rum surprised me with a swift kick in the face last night. “What the fuck are you doing?” it asked me, and I responded with a shrug and a shut the hell up. I fear I’m going to say it eventually though because it’s been hard. It’s been hard for me to think about anything but her these days. I distract myself with colors and shapes now. No longer is the phenomenon an accidental occurrence. I either picture the people around me as shapes and colors or I picture her.
Here is a snippet of my conversation with the shapes earlier that I quite enjoyed:
“Don’t you ever wonder how a full-grown baby can survive in the womb?”
“Its gotta be livin in an alternate dimension. For sure.”
“And when they’re ready they just… fall down from the sky and are once again in the womb.”
“Yeah, the way the discovery of gravity fell from a tree, babies fall from the branches of trees and are born. So in essence, babies are born into gravity upon birth!”
Other experiences we felt needed to be discussed were the common belief that people look like certain countries, specifically Cuba, in addition to how painfully delicious Doritos are (you see, when you bite into them, thousands of tiny shards explode in your mouth).
I am Loki
I am the one that will break you down to your core. Make you feel helpless and safe. You'll tell me all your secrets and whisper them to me like lullabies until you drift off to sleep with me on your mind.
I am the one who will make you forget about your vows. You'll compromise all of your ideals just to find out what desires might pass my lips and cause the shiver in your spine.
I am the one who will be broken and left here alone. I don't burn bridges, I tear them down and use it to build a new one in another place never leaving room for another to be rebuilt in it's place.
I am the one who will excite you. You'll think of me and nothing else until you see me again.
I am the one that will make you question yourself. You'll wonder how you came to that conclusion and if you're actually right.
I am the one who will never be forgotten. Even after I'm long gone I will cross your mind and cause a seizing in your chest as the memory takes hold. You will hate me but smile at the thought.
I am the one who will make you beg. For my attention, my affection, my love, your life. You will get none of these.
I am the one who will tear you down and leave you broken. This is what you need to rebuild yourself and start whole again.
I am Loki, mischief maker, heartbreaker.
Never let your guard down. I will get you too when you do.
I am the one who will make you forget about your vows. You'll compromise all of your ideals just to find out what desires might pass my lips and cause the shiver in your spine.
I am the one who will be broken and left here alone. I don't burn bridges, I tear them down and use it to build a new one in another place never leaving room for another to be rebuilt in it's place.
I am the one who will excite you. You'll think of me and nothing else until you see me again.
I am the one that will make you question yourself. You'll wonder how you came to that conclusion and if you're actually right.
I am the one who will never be forgotten. Even after I'm long gone I will cross your mind and cause a seizing in your chest as the memory takes hold. You will hate me but smile at the thought.
I am the one who will make you beg. For my attention, my affection, my love, your life. You will get none of these.
I am the one who will tear you down and leave you broken. This is what you need to rebuild yourself and start whole again.
I am Loki, mischief maker, heartbreaker.
Never let your guard down. I will get you too when you do.
Monday, April 12, 2010
just me and my mouth
There are those things we convince ourselves are a mere reaction of our bodies to the acknowledgement of our conscious awareness. I will smoke this joint when I am sick or in pain because I have known it to relieve such nuisances before. On the other hand, I would have still smoked it, pain and sickness aside, so am I justifying the blazing or am I actually relieved of my pain? Regardless, it seems to be working and in this phenominally inspiring and particular instance, my body is in sync with my mind. I will call this "stoned", never much else to say in front of company and now I am cautious due to the fact that I am "stoned", "so fucking stoned, dude", and that I am not alone. The most critical details of my life are lost only because I have managed to visit my past enough to no longer know where the memories end and the dreams begin. I can't tell you this, you might think I'm crazy. Do you? I'm sure. "Stoned", thinking it all, allowing it to push through the mesh of overwhelming obscurity and finding my centre somewhere between the awareness and the awkwardness. Who displays that self that thrives just as much on the awkward, to revel in such human delicacies? Better yet, who admits to it? Now, have you noticed how much i mention myself? Sickening
Friday, April 9, 2010
Where Do We Go? nobody knows...
I feel enlightened, riveted by the enormity of what it might mean to be alive. I have been compromising my ideals, intent on objectifying myself in the light of others approval. What could generate a previously unwanted desire for something memorable, not only to me but to my memory of this world, is only ever noticeable when we choose to take notice.
Little things, appreciate the little things. Embark on the journey that you intended to make but never quite found the time to live the life you spent your time working toward. There is no better judgement of what ails you and what drives you than yourself and your own inclinations. Do not criticize yourself, compromise with your circumstances and discover new ideals, push yourself to know what it is you need to gain in order to banish what objectifies you. RAGE!REVOLUTION! Now is better than never knowing, and perhaps an edge of lunacy will overcome trepidation. You will encounter those obstacles instilled by authoritative figures, the constant fear and anger is not your doing and should not be acknowledged for sake of REALISATION! And yes, Megyn, you will be tempted but only so much of what tempts you can be awarded for that feeling of enlightenment.
Little things, appreciate the little things. Embark on the journey that you intended to make but never quite found the time to live the life you spent your time working toward. There is no better judgement of what ails you and what drives you than yourself and your own inclinations. Do not criticize yourself, compromise with your circumstances and discover new ideals, push yourself to know what it is you need to gain in order to banish what objectifies you. RAGE!REVOLUTION! Now is better than never knowing, and perhaps an edge of lunacy will overcome trepidation. You will encounter those obstacles instilled by authoritative figures, the constant fear and anger is not your doing and should not be acknowledged for sake of REALISATION! And yes, Megyn, you will be tempted but only so much of what tempts you can be awarded for that feeling of enlightenment.
Monday, April 5, 2010
This feels like a holy confession, I hope I dont get cast down to hell.
As I said from the very beginning, I really do love each and every one of you. It's weird how we are all living such different lives in different places, yet we think so much alike. I wish i started out our relationship with the truth, but I never intended to come on a second night or the numerous nights that followed. Scracthing your heads in puzzlement is expected after that sentence, it's ok, and honestly you should all hate me for it but that's just my nerves talking. My closest friends on chat already know, and I'm thankful they have kept it a secret til now. I remember the guilt I felt and the relief I felt after telling them. After the pulling out of hair, and the vomiting, it actually all ended up just fine. As I hope everything in my life will. So, I lied about my appearance. There. Stone me to death if you wish, but now I am free of the remaining guilt for lying to the rest of you. Know this though, anything and everything I have ever said to any of you was all the truth, sadly. I wish I could have lied about my crappy existence as well but I guess some of us aren't made for lying.
Now, I'm taking the cowards way out. I know I had promised to come on for one final "chat" with you all but it didn't seem right. To me, nothing is final, especially any of you. I meant it when I said from the beginning that I loved you all. You've been more friend that I have ever had in anyone in my 24 years of living. You've helped me through the toughest crisis of my life even without physical contact. I can't thank you all enough for that and I only hope I can one day return the favor for you. If you hate me, that's fine too. I understand. Hope to talk to you all once again sometime soon. Take care and stay hungry.....hungry for love, because one day it WILL be feeding time :D
Now, I'm taking the cowards way out. I know I had promised to come on for one final "chat" with you all but it didn't seem right. To me, nothing is final, especially any of you. I meant it when I said from the beginning that I loved you all. You've been more friend that I have ever had in anyone in my 24 years of living. You've helped me through the toughest crisis of my life even without physical contact. I can't thank you all enough for that and I only hope I can one day return the favor for you. If you hate me, that's fine too. I understand. Hope to talk to you all once again sometime soon. Take care and stay hungry.....hungry for love, because one day it WILL be feeding time :D
Sunday, April 4, 2010
It has become apparent
What is left to say when I have already proposed every possible scenario to contend with what might be implied. It wouldn't matter as much had it never needed to be implied and yet we cannot fathom one such scenario. What possesses me to have a conversation you were never invited to is only left for me to discover and yet this affects you if you choose thus. I cannot program such choice but I can visualise the thoughts that lead there, and I have. Those exact thoughts, as well as others that might have eventually lead to the same conclusion. It is then apparent that what life I live cannot be characterised as living, not for the sake of dismissing actual intent. Be gone, willful caution, I have yet to find release.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Who would have thought?
We rummage through the elements that make up our lives, trying to pinpoint the things that make us different, unique. We do this, mind you, in the event that someone should seem interested enough to ask, to continue reading. Someone, anyone. Okay, maybe I have a few preferences but isn't that what makes me unique, different? Should that someone come along and then display such desired interest and if I find myself in a turmoil of trust, should I encourage them to walk away?
The most incredible thing we have managed to do is not that which we convince others we want but the ability to convince ourselves. Where you find yourself amongst the holy infidels, might you not aspire, even slightly, to such cause? Regardless of your reasoning, of which ours is great, there is only so much that is ignited by reason, of which all else falls to excuse.
I will walk away from the knowledge I have of myself to become more acquainted with your own knowledge of me. If this proves to be as what was the convincing, then I do not know what I want.
The most incredible thing we have managed to do is not that which we convince others we want but the ability to convince ourselves. Where you find yourself amongst the holy infidels, might you not aspire, even slightly, to such cause? Regardless of your reasoning, of which ours is great, there is only so much that is ignited by reason, of which all else falls to excuse.
I will walk away from the knowledge I have of myself to become more acquainted with your own knowledge of me. If this proves to be as what was the convincing, then I do not know what I want.
Friday, April 2, 2010
At the end of the night
I don’t like the idea of sleep. I once dreamt of nothing but static, there’s nothing more annoying than static, and there it was in my dreams. On a different night, I dreamt that i was reading a very boring book. I don’t remember what the story was about, I just remember thinking “oh god, this is so boring, i should stop,” but I didn’t. I couldn't.
I'm going away for a little bit. When I can, I promise I will write to keep you all updated. Hopefully my journey and travels won't be as boring as the book in my dream.
I love you.
I'm going away for a little bit. When I can, I promise I will write to keep you all updated. Hopefully my journey and travels won't be as boring as the book in my dream.
I love you.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Proverbial Glass
I know in my heart what is essentially true and what can only be assumed. I hurt my own feelings through self-analysis. At least I'm not delusional. I would love a sign, maybe an honest opinion of where I am right now in all of this. Everyone says I've got my head on right but this doesn't mean that I can imagine things to be better and that they will be. I've always been a strong believer in never having to beg for anything. So maybe that's where I went wrong.
Right now, at this moment in time, the glass if half empty.
Right now, at this moment in time, the glass if half empty.
As I Sit, Contemplating
Perhaps a level of introduction is necessary. Perhaps yes, although I am inclined to think that we are selfish enough to ask for the sake of wanting.
I might not be very impressive to the population that bordered the distinction between intellect and articulate but now it needs to be decided what impression I would have wanted you to gather from my dowdy appearance. Perhaps she is creative. Perhaps she has acknowledged the wisdom of the ages and perhaps she will still conquer the suspended disbelief she finds herself in at the sight of kindness. Perhaps yes, although it is more likely that all I will accomplish is selective to that selfishness I could never shake. What right shall I then claim to victimise the very people who created the need to know something other than what I obediently relayed in such well rehearsed procedure. These people, your people, my people, the people of the immediate world and those who might have suggested we concern ourselves less with the object of affection to realise a subject of resolution. That which will uphold the rights of humans, not their affiliations, that which will sustain a testimony of humility and grace, the foreword to wisdom, that wisdom she cannot possess unless of course it ceases to be confined to the walls of her head.
I beg you pay me no pardon when the wiles of a meticulous specie may infiltrate the unknown heart of a lion. There is no cause when we have forgotten what seperates it from intent. Perhaps I will be mistaken.
I might not be very impressive to the population that bordered the distinction between intellect and articulate but now it needs to be decided what impression I would have wanted you to gather from my dowdy appearance. Perhaps she is creative. Perhaps she has acknowledged the wisdom of the ages and perhaps she will still conquer the suspended disbelief she finds herself in at the sight of kindness. Perhaps yes, although it is more likely that all I will accomplish is selective to that selfishness I could never shake. What right shall I then claim to victimise the very people who created the need to know something other than what I obediently relayed in such well rehearsed procedure. These people, your people, my people, the people of the immediate world and those who might have suggested we concern ourselves less with the object of affection to realise a subject of resolution. That which will uphold the rights of humans, not their affiliations, that which will sustain a testimony of humility and grace, the foreword to wisdom, that wisdom she cannot possess unless of course it ceases to be confined to the walls of her head.
I beg you pay me no pardon when the wiles of a meticulous specie may infiltrate the unknown heart of a lion. There is no cause when we have forgotten what seperates it from intent. Perhaps I will be mistaken.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
When you can't reach the one that needs you
What do you do when the person on the other end of the line is in pain? They're not with in any distance that you could reach them. They're not even aware that you're struggling inside trying to figure out what you can do from this distance and how much it pains you to know that it's nothing.
I am in pain but my pain becomes obsolete when I know that others feel pain. If I could I would take it away and absorb it in to myself. I can handle it. I've handled worse. This is not to say that I believe people are weak or incapable of pain tolerance....it's to say that I would bear it for them. That I would take it away and feel it just so you didn't have to. Because I don't want you to.
If I was standing right in front of you I wouldn't know what to say. I never know what to say I just know what to do. I wish that I was insivible so I could just travel around you without you ever having to see me. Without ever having to hear a judgement because of how I look, but only how happy you are to talk to me. To know that you call for no reason other than to talk without expectation.
I want to take care of you because it's what I do.
But you won't let me.
I am in pain but my pain becomes obsolete when I know that others feel pain. If I could I would take it away and absorb it in to myself. I can handle it. I've handled worse. This is not to say that I believe people are weak or incapable of pain tolerance....it's to say that I would bear it for them. That I would take it away and feel it just so you didn't have to. Because I don't want you to.
If I was standing right in front of you I wouldn't know what to say. I never know what to say I just know what to do. I wish that I was insivible so I could just travel around you without you ever having to see me. Without ever having to hear a judgement because of how I look, but only how happy you are to talk to me. To know that you call for no reason other than to talk without expectation.
I want to take care of you because it's what I do.
But you won't let me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
In the green fields of france
When pain receptors start firing strange thoughts occur. I begin to wonder where tolerance for it comes in and where pure ignorance of my feelings happens. Have I become so adjusted to these sensations that I am no longer aware of the true feelings that occur within my body?
Two weeks. With each day the pain increases and so does the lull that I succumb to in order to function. Stopping is not an option. It doesn't exist, it will never occur. Time only exists because humans felt the need to label the passing of the shadows and that is why we believe it can be stopped. It doesn't really exist, therefore you cannot stop it. Stopping does not exist.
I will push forward and hope for realization.
Two weeks. With each day the pain increases and so does the lull that I succumb to in order to function. Stopping is not an option. It doesn't exist, it will never occur. Time only exists because humans felt the need to label the passing of the shadows and that is why we believe it can be stopped. It doesn't really exist, therefore you cannot stop it. Stopping does not exist.
I will push forward and hope for realization.
An excerpt from a short story I once wrote
Puffy eyes, cigarette smoke, dusty kitchens, ice. Oh ice. Oh baby. Being 13 and watching Ricky get tossed into a dumpster. That was when his friends were still his friends, before they watched him get pummeled. Before they let him get a swift kick to the left eye. They tried helping though, but no one got it as bad as Ricky.
“You’re good,” he told me later that week, black eye bulging. “Too good to be friends with us.” He was living with his girlfriend and she was cheating on him with his friends, their brothers, her neighbors. He got kicked out of his house for smoking too much weed, for drinking too much. I was reading Salinger.
Fuck, we were 13.
“You’re good,” he told me later that week, black eye bulging. “Too good to be friends with us.” He was living with his girlfriend and she was cheating on him with his friends, their brothers, her neighbors. He got kicked out of his house for smoking too much weed, for drinking too much. I was reading Salinger.
Fuck, we were 13.
Another day in paradise
I come here everyday, each previewing the next as some ill disguised understanding of the first. I come here without intention or rather, without the afterthought intention succumbs to. I come here bearing nothing of value because it is reinforced that what worth is rightfully so shall have tangible discourse about such tangible things that i could never possess, even once I eliminated the reality of my virtual world.
When the gathering commences, one little girl will greet those who have entered into the festivities of chance, never quite as memorable as the soft laughter that resonates from the belly of her. She will offer you an olive branch, the tendrils dancing in unison to the beat of an undeveloped mystery.
I leave here everyday, the cause of sensationalised satisfaction to undermine that very reality of worth I could not possess. A drunken lullaby of character remission by that which was never evident in here, the conjunction of rhetoric and perhaps an object of avoidance. I leave here, not so much rattled as sated by the security of self defiance.
What here may aspire to be was never as accepting of tentative interaction, the chance that some unidentified version of a true reality might come along and create a desire for something less left to chance.
When the gathering commences, one little girl will greet those who have entered into the festivities of chance, never quite as memorable as the soft laughter that resonates from the belly of her. She will offer you an olive branch, the tendrils dancing in unison to the beat of an undeveloped mystery.
I leave here everyday, the cause of sensationalised satisfaction to undermine that very reality of worth I could not possess. A drunken lullaby of character remission by that which was never evident in here, the conjunction of rhetoric and perhaps an object of avoidance. I leave here, not so much rattled as sated by the security of self defiance.
What here may aspire to be was never as accepting of tentative interaction, the chance that some unidentified version of a true reality might come along and create a desire for something less left to chance.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I find you randomly offensive
So in trying to find an Narcotics anonymous group I have learned one thing. People think God solves all problems. I asked a therapist and my Drugs Behavior and Health professor about locations that hosted the meetings and he directed me to the basement of a local church, gave me a day and a time. I went. There was no meeting. It was merely a collection of random strangers socializing for what reason I'm still unaware. I spoke with a man named Paul who told me about some AA meetings but I was uninterested.
When I went back to my professor and told him that there was no meeting there or anywhere in that town he merely replied "I know, but keep going despite the idiosyncracies."
I will not go back but I will find out what they were doing there.
I've realized that despite all religion people only end up where ever someone else believes they have. God is supposed to be all knowing, all seeing, and all powerful but in reality he was just a good illusionist. Get mad at your son? Tell the world that killing him is the only way to save them and they will let you.
This is an excerpt from one of my old journals.
"So what does God matter anyway? We're supposed to believe in a man who only had a son so he could watch other's kill him. God fearing? Fear the watcher in the sky? The boogie man? Repent and it iwill save your soul. If nto then you go to hell. What if my heaven is a lot like hell anyway? What then? Do I just accept the lesser version?
Why exactly are we to follow this when it's just a million people's translation over and over and over...
and each one says they're better than the rest. So can I write my own book?
The seven deadly sing amuse me. Most are common sense that a lot of people lack and go figure, they don't believe in God anyway. But the one's that do...like that guy in the front in the full suit? He thinks that coming here on Sunday's will make it better that he's fucking his neighbors wife.
So really now...do you know if there's a heaven or hell? What if you went by the Good book your whole life and then died only to find out you're just....dead?
That would suck now wouldn't it?
Yup. Big time."
After reading that again I realize that it doesn't matter if either of those places exist outside of a person's mind. After you're dead it doesn't matter if you're worm food. Someone else has placed you in this grand illusion of there being a great place where you're at peace and surrounded by love or they've dismissed you to the most horrid place.
Really now, it only matters after you're dead anyway.
When I went back to my professor and told him that there was no meeting there or anywhere in that town he merely replied "I know, but keep going despite the idiosyncracies."
I will not go back but I will find out what they were doing there.
I've realized that despite all religion people only end up where ever someone else believes they have. God is supposed to be all knowing, all seeing, and all powerful but in reality he was just a good illusionist. Get mad at your son? Tell the world that killing him is the only way to save them and they will let you.
This is an excerpt from one of my old journals.
"So what does God matter anyway? We're supposed to believe in a man who only had a son so he could watch other's kill him. God fearing? Fear the watcher in the sky? The boogie man? Repent and it iwill save your soul. If nto then you go to hell. What if my heaven is a lot like hell anyway? What then? Do I just accept the lesser version?
Why exactly are we to follow this when it's just a million people's translation over and over and over...
and each one says they're better than the rest. So can I write my own book?
The seven deadly sing amuse me. Most are common sense that a lot of people lack and go figure, they don't believe in God anyway. But the one's that do...like that guy in the front in the full suit? He thinks that coming here on Sunday's will make it better that he's fucking his neighbors wife.
So really now...do you know if there's a heaven or hell? What if you went by the Good book your whole life and then died only to find out you're just....dead?
That would suck now wouldn't it?
Yup. Big time."
After reading that again I realize that it doesn't matter if either of those places exist outside of a person's mind. After you're dead it doesn't matter if you're worm food. Someone else has placed you in this grand illusion of there being a great place where you're at peace and surrounded by love or they've dismissed you to the most horrid place.
Really now, it only matters after you're dead anyway.
Just the Beginning
Two weeks ago, I watched a video of a walrus masturbating. I read about two ducks murdering and raping the carcass of the third duck. Two male giraffes had sex with each other. The true nature of the animal kingdom was revealed to me in one single museum exhibit. I felt naive and silly for blushing at something so natural. How much more information is waiting to be learned, witnessed, shared? So much.
Just for the sake of the sake of it
This might come as a surprise to you but whatever it is you find yourself doing at this moment, it isn't worth the effort you are giving it. HA!
My arrogance appalls me in this, the hour of my undoing. What dare preach a love for ignorance shall fortify such ignorance if and only if happiness was sedated. I will hold what is dear to me only as long as it wills to stay, the remainder of choice only as evident as this will exudes. Be joyous and deft in such joy will be endless.
My arrogance appalls me in this, the hour of my undoing. What dare preach a love for ignorance shall fortify such ignorance if and only if happiness was sedated. I will hold what is dear to me only as long as it wills to stay, the remainder of choice only as evident as this will exudes. Be joyous and deft in such joy will be endless.
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